Ectopic pregnancy recovery The first week.
I recently shared with you the diary of thoughts I kept during my recovery from the shock of finding out I was experiencing and ectopic pregnancy and the first few days of recovery. The next week saw me gradually get better and overcome the physical pain and mobility but I experienced a wealth of emotions which I assume are all relatively normal, given the circumstances.
Again I appreciate this post isnt going to be for everyone, and perhaps will only be worth reading for someone experiencing it now, or has been through it but Im hoping this might help someone in the future. I know it would have helped me.
Day four Wednesday 21st October
Today is the first day I can really rest and not do anything. Its easier said than done though. The pain is still there although its easier to get about. There is still bleeding and I have been told this could last up to a week after surgery but its starting to fade. Things are slowly getting back to normal, but I dont feel normal. Far from it actually.
I have rested when I can, distracted myself with wedding magazines after deciding to get married, and caught up on lots of TV. But my mind just doesnt feel rested. I cant seem to straighten out my thoughts I flitter from one thought to the next, happy to sad, laughter to crying. Its really hard to overcome the roller coaster of emotion I am feeling today.
The Ls Papa has done all the washing, the house is tidy, I really have no need to worry about anything other than getting myself physically better, but Im just finding it a real struggle. I cant wear trousers because of where the scars sit on my stomach, so a soft night gown has been a real blessing. My stomach is still swollen. It reminds me of the belly you have when having had a child, but yet I dont have anything to show for it. Its reducing with each day and I know I just need to let my body recover.
Day five Thursday 22nd October
The Ls Papa has gone into work today taking Little L to nursery. So its just me in the quiet house and it really hits me. I have gotten upset over the last few days but this time I was just overcome by emotion and had a good cry. I think I needed it really. I needed to get out everything I had been bottling up inside because I wanted to be strong for everyone.
I still feel very bloated and I have found out drinking Peppermint tea would help and I can honestly say that it has. The swelling has eased up more today and although I am hobbling about I am able to move. Each day is getting easier.
Thankfully my lovely neighbour kept me company this afternoon and discussed all things wedding with me. Its really been the best distraction.
Day six Friday 23rd October
Its just the family together today, and again The Ls Papa is telling me to rest up. I never ever thought I would find this so difficult. I managed to when I was recovering from my c-section with Little L but then I guess you have baby cuddles to fill your time. I just have real housewives and masterchef to fill my time. Its actually soul destroying watching everyone do something for you when you feel you have nothing to show for it.
I just lost a baby.
Im finding it really difficult to accept anything at the moment. Which I guess is normal. I hope its normal. I dont want to be the person who has just gotten on with it all and forgets. I dont want to be the person who is just letting life pass her by because she wont allow herself to live.
Although resting is the hardest thing I am seeing real benefits. Mobility is so much easier now, and although it still hurts to laugh and sneeze its getting so much better. Its the emotional side I cant quite see the end to. One minute I can be fine the next I just become withdrawn. Does it get any easier? I dont want to forget but I want to enjoy the life I have because I am so lucky to have a wonderful partner, an amazing step son and the most wonderful little boy.
The main emotion I have felt throughout all of this is guilt. I feel like there is always something to blame and this time the only person is can be is me. It was my body. Did I do something wrong?
Honestly though as much as I am blaming myself I cant let it define me because really these things just happen, no one really is to blame at all. I know that makes sense but you just cant stop the feelings of guilt, its mummy guilt.
Day seven Saturday 24th October
Yesterday wasnt my finest hour but I feel I needed to address those emotions. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me just writing them down and trying to make sense of it all. The pain is easing again today, the swelling is reducing and tomorrow we are looking at a wedding venue and I am so excited.
Acceptance is a hard thing to swallow. But acceptance is the only thing you can really do to move forward. You have to accept it is not your fault, accept that it happened, and embrace the life you do have and the people in it.
By day seven I can move around much more, the bleeding has more or less disappeared and other than feeling like I have done one massive stomach workout the pain isnt unbearable anymore.
I stopped taking codeine and painkillers by Day nine.
By Day ten I was back in my jeans and driving.
Now at three weeks after the event I just have my scars and a flinch of tenderness every now and again. It mostly occurs when I have done too much. Like a big cleaning marathon today for example. I just have to know my limits and accept that I need to ease myself back into life, not just expect to pick up where I left off.
I would say I am 90% physically recovered, I have a feeling the emotional recovery will take a little longer.
This week my mum flies home from Australia with my dad flying back a few days later. I am so excited to see my mum and spend some time with her. Sometimes in these situations just a big off your own mum can be the best medicine.
I hope my recovery account will help someone in the future. It might give you an idea about what to expect and whats to come. But always remember to focus on the bright spots, no matter how dark it seems.