Our miscarriage story
This is something I never thought I would have to write, but here I am on a cold autumn morning, watching my son happily play with his trains fighting back the tears.
This time over three weeks ago I eagerly sat in my bathroom staring at a pregnancy test. Everyone in the house was asleep and it was just me and a test. I had an inkling I was pregnant. My period was late, I wasnt feeling myself and sometimes you just know dont you? I remember feeling nervous, because it wasnt the first time I had sat there hoping for a positive result. This is something we have wanted for so long. Since Little L turned one we have planned to add to our family, and now that hes almost two and a half that would give you an indication of the time we have waited for a positive test.
And then there it was. Pregnant. Staring right back at me.
I ran straight over to the hubby and woke him up to tell him and we just sat there blissfully happy chatting away for ages about the future we have been hoping for. It was now real. It was now happening. I would have been around four weeks according to my dates.
We had a week of pure happiness.
And then the bleeding and the discomfort??started.
That was over two weeks ago.
During this time we hoped and prayed that it was just normal spotting. I had experienced similar symptoms in my last pregnancy, and of course trying not to worry and over think too much. We took precautions and went to our emergency pregnancy unit in Manchester, I have a unicornuate uterus and so we are well aware that our chances of miscarriage are much higher. But having had a successful pregnancy there was no reason to doubt that it couldnt happen again for us.
Our first blood test results showed a decent level of hormones, our next saw a decline, and that was when the excitement began to fade.
During the course of a further 5 blood tests the hormone levels began to rise slowly and with that so the hope crept back in. Maybe it was going to happen after all. Maybe this is just one of them things and all was going to be okay.
A week ago the cramps and dull ache I had been feeling turned to pain.
And after many more blood tests, two scans, and a fair amount of poking and prodding. We learnt to accept that our pregnancy was failing and I was about to miscarry.
No one can truly understand how you feel unless they have been through it themselves. And no one it seems really discusses it either. Being a blogger I naturally have turned to the internet to seek out some reassurance, some hope that although we are experiencing a devastating time, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seeking out peoples experiences of how long it takes? Does the pain ever go away both physically and emotionally? I can read all the NHS guidelines and speaks to doctors and nurses but Im wanting some real life experience and its sad that I cant seem to find anything out there. Not really.
Miscarriage isnt discussed, but it happens to one in four pregnancies. Maybe sharing my experiences and emotions might help someone in the future. Something positive has to come out of this. It has to.
I have a supportive partner who has been my absolute rock throughout all of this, an incredible family and amazing friends. We will get through this and we will try again.
And I have to remember that its not just me whos going through this. My hubby has lost a baby to, I have to remember his feelings, I cant shut him out. Our parents have lost a grandchild, I must remember that. Our best friends have lost a future godchild, I must remember that.
Miscarriage doesnt just affect me, or one person, it affects everyone. But if everyone sticks together then perhaps in time things will get better.
You must always search for the bright spots in life, no matter how dark it seems.